Keep calm and make lists

On Monday 7th November, I was back on the chemo ward to complete cycle six of my chemo. This also marked the end of my chemo! Below is a photo collage that my brother made for me to mark this milestone. The end of chemo doesn’t mean the end of my treatment though; it means I’ve finished one more stage of it. I will be back at the Marsden next week for a new CT scan, and to see the professor in charge of my chemo to get the scan results. I’ll also find out a bit more about my three weekly Avastin maintenance treatment.

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So back to chemo this week. After took two attempts to get my cannula in, everything went smoothly. It was great to have a visit from my consultant and specialist nurse during the day. As we stood together talking at my final chemo session, I had a flashback to 3rd June when we all first met, but in very different circumstances. I had not slept for a day, was in my pyjamas and a hoodie that was far too big for me with a crazy, ‘I’ve not dealt with my hair for two days’ hairdo. I was also filled with anxiety, fear and shock. On Monday, it was a completely different story. I was dressed in clothes that made me feel good, had make up on and had exchanged the crazy hairdo for a cooling cap. More importantly, I felt like a completely different person. This flashback made me emotional because it was another reminder of how far I have come with the support of my incredible medical team, family and friends. We all spoke about what I was going to do to celebrate getting to this point. I have a long list, but the first thing I plan to do is get my nose pierced! After years of saying I want to get it done, but being too scared of the pain, I’ve decided to go for it. Given the amount of cannulas I’ve had this year, and not forgetting the major surgery bit, I’m hopeful that a small piecing will be nothing in comparison!

Back to chemo this week…My magnesium and haemoglobin were low, so that meant another 2 ½ hours of IV magnesium and a 4-hour blood transfusion after my chemotherapy drugs. I ended up being at the Marsden from 8am-9pm… A new record for me! As I was there so late, I had to be transferred to an inpatient ward for the final unit of blood, because the chemotherapy day unit closes at 7pm. Luckily I had plenty of evening company. It was wonderful to have my friend Rosie, my dad, my aunt and my sister with me. I also received beautiful bouquets of flowers from my friends Rosie and Jessica. As I have explained before, flowers make me think of a quote by Henri Matisse: ‘Il y a des fleurs partout qui veut bien les voir.’ This translates as: ‘There are flowers everywhere for those who want to see them.’ Matisse was highlighting the importance of optimism and having a positive outlook on life, which is something I know I need to be doing, despite the uncertainties that I feel I am facing.

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That evening on the ward, it was such a wonderful surprise to see the first nurse I met at the Marsden the day that I was transferred there from A&E back on 3rd June. She put my first Marsden cannula in, and it seemed quite fitting that she took the cannula out from my final chemo session. I hadn’t seen her since that first night, so I got to tell her all about my treatment and the blog.  I’m also so pleased that she now has a Finding Cyril band!

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In last week’s blog I spoke about my fears regarding my future health and how the ongoing support from my medical team, family and friends is helping me to deal with these fears. I also mentioned the need to find ways to cope with some of the difficult feelings and emotions. A few days ago, I tried something else – I decided to write a list called: ‘Normal Things.’ This list (I have shared a snippet of it below) includes lots of things that I haven’t done over the past six months, because I either haven’t felt able, or have been too anxious to do. Some of the things might seem really easy but they have become quite hard for me. My theory is that this list of things will help me to keep busy between my now three-weekly maintenance treatments at the Marsden, and therefore help keep my mind from focusing on what my tumour markers will be doing, and my worries about the future. My idea of the list relates to something that the American writer Dale Harbison Carnegie once said: ‘Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.’ As I have said before, I know that it is a case of trial and error to find the coping mechanisms that will help me deal with the uncertainties that I face, and I might have to adapt and change these mechanisms depending on what I am going through. I’m pleased to say that I’ve already ticked three things off my list this week….I took a tube on my own and went to my Marsden appointment on Wednesday on my own! On Thursday, I went to a shopping centre for the first time since my diagnosis and made some great purchases! I know that there are bound to be days when whatever I try to do to help me cope might feel futile, and that I may feel like I don’t know what my next step is. For now though, I’m just trying to stay focused on reminding myself that when things get tough, I have to get tougher and continue to push forward, however hard it feels.

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As I enter into the next phase of my treatment, I also find myself reflecting on the last six months, and the fact that I have learned, and I continue to learn, that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. There have been many times in my life where I have questioned my ability to do things, or thought that I was not strong enough to deal with certain things that were happening. But ‘Cyril’ has shown me that there seems to be a lot of truth in Bob Marley’s famous words: ‘You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.’

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